Have you felt your parenting has become the focus of others’ attention, i.e. family, friends, SOCIETY? As parents in the 21st century we experience a lot of pressure and take a lot of heat for our children’s behaviors, feelings, thoughts and personalities. It is, to say the least, an overwhelming experience to be a modern parent. The old ways of disciplining (spankings, belts, and paddles) are out, not to mention illegal in some cases, and the newer ways (time-outs and removal of privileges) have worn out their welcome and seem to have lost their effectiveness. What is a parent to do? No, really, what is a parent to do?
Luckily, there are many parenting books out there that have great information to help us navigate this unknown territory. And I am here to tell you, pretty much, they all say the same thing. However, I think the program that sums it up and packages it the best is the Love and Logic program by Jim and Charles Fay, a father and son team from Denver, Colorado.
Love and Logic’s premise is to help parents build skills for raising their children to be responsible, thinking, caring creatures who won’t suck the life out of society. The ingredients are in the title: Love and Logic. Through Love we develop a solid relationship with our children, filled with warmth, understanding and most importantly, EMPATHY. Yes! This is the first and foremost ingredient in the Love and Logic parenting recipe. Let’s reflect quickly on this idea because it’s not one we have heard of in, well, ever. Empathy can be described as showing an understanding of another’s experience and feelings about this experience without “saving” said person from the experience or feelings. Empathy leads to our children viewing us as people who care and whom they can feel safe and depend on. Spankings, belts, paddles, time-outs, and removal of privileges, have not historically come with an EMPATHY component. They have encouraged parents to wield power over their children and teach children to do or not to do things out of fear…of all kinds. Love and Logic suggests that we can’t even begin to discipline our children effectively if we haven’t created a solid relationship with them. We need to build that relationship with empathy so that our children feel connected and safe to make decisions. This leads to the next part, Logic.
Children are going to make decisions, let’s hope. We want them to learn to make good decisions right? We want them to learn to think and use Logic to solve problems and attain their goals and dreams. Do we want to thwart their own power to choose or do we want them to get lots of practice with this power before they are released into society without the safety net of parents and home? Love and Logic suggests the former. We want our kids to be well-equipped to safely, respectfully and responsibly handle whatever problems come their way. The aforementioned old ways of discipline also have not carried this component of LOGIC. Again, using our power of physical punishment or isolating children into time-out tends to lead a child to think, “It’s me versus them” rather than, “I receive this consequence because of my behavior.” Logically, the connection between behavior and consequence has not been made in a meaningful way because the consequence does not relate to the misbehavior. Logic suggests we use realistic and enforceable experiences to encourage our children to realize their behavior has an impact on others, their environment and themselves and that when a person’s behavior impacts the world in this way, that person is held accountable in a meaningful, but not punitive way pitting parent versus child.
Love and Logic can help you build a relationship with your child that you both can feel good about. It makes sense, it allows you to avoid being the “bad guy”, and encourages your child to take responsibility for him or herself. In the future, I will explore in greater detail, the ingredients of Love and Logic and how Love and Logic works for children of different ages and children with different needs. I urge you to consider how great it will feel to raise your children in a way that makes you feel good each night and builds the foundation for a lifelong positive relationship with your child.
Continue to check the website for upcoming Love and Logic classes presented through Rockafellow Psychological Services as well as additional blogs!
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